The Huntsman Winter’s War review: Totally worthless, despite Hemsworth

The Huntsman: Winter’s War review: Despite a great cast that includes Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt, Charlize Theron and Jessica Chastain, it fails at every step.

The Huntsman: Winter’s WarDirector - Cedric Nicolas-TroyanCast - Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron, Emily Blunt, Jessica ChastainRating - 1/5

What happens when a studio pillages the depths of a broken pile of unoriginality? What happens when it decides on making a sequel to a mostly forgotten film that is also a shining example of all that is wrong with Hollywood’s obsession with darkness and grit? What happens when the movie includes not one, not two, but at least three of the worst ideas it could bear?

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What happens when some overexcited exec gets carried away? Strong female characters are all the rage these days, his buddies told him. So he thinks about it, wouldn’t it be awesome if he got Emily Blunt, Charlize Theron and Jessica Chastain? All in the same movie! No one would even care about Thor. What if… They actually had the resources to make that happen? They probably do with all that Furious 7 money lying around.

So what if a few lies have to be told in the marketing? They’d have already made their money before everyone realises that only one of those women is actually in the flick. What happens when the newbie director they hired exclusively for his pushover-ness does the job expected of him? All glitz and no heart, all gloss and no game. And what happens when they decide to shoehorn in a romantic plot so asinine it makes Twilight: Eclipse look like Twilight: New Moon? Never mind, everyone seems to love Frozen. So what happens when they steal the worst parts of that?

In the Heart of the Sea review: Hemsworth’s whale of an adventure

What happens when their movie’s idea of comic relief is restricted, offensively, to dwarves? What happens when the actors - all paid for, mind you - decide on doing some of the most garbled Scottish accents imaginable? And what happens when a genius like James Newton Howard composes the soundtrack to a sinking ship and Phedon Papamichael photographs how it all goes down?

I’ll tell you what happens. The Huntsman: Winter’s War happens.